To afford a house I had to move to the backwoods: Lincoln.  The UK one.

In 1982 I found myself the first to learn that from 1970 its population had been force-fed waste from Fisons fertiliser factory at Immingham.  Europe's largest phosphate plant had run out of room for it.

I hope solar panel production won't mean more fluoridated people.  The first symptom of silicofluoride surpluses is PR people.  Experts are worried about the average state of average people's teeth, they'll say.

Dentists can earn more fixing teeth damaged by fluoride than by filling holes.  But to swallow this fluoridation story you have to believe dentists support it.  So why did they want to put themselves out of business?

If there were any pro-fluoride experts they must have been hiding all those 20 years.  Behind the chemical alteration of Lincoln's feti with this neurodevelopmental toxin were only banal pen-pushers who were too scared of looking ridiculous to debate with me.

That's how weak Lincoln's MP, Anglian Water and  Lincoln City Council's basis for fluoridating people was.  The usual way we deal with official neighbourhood poisonings is to pretend it isn't happening.  Mine is to satirise unsafe totalitarian pseudoscience.  I made some hideously inauthentic freemasons' lives hell and hell, I'm proud of that

You can live well off dumping waste in Lincoln's arteries. You can't earn a penny opposing it.  A neo-nazi stabbed me in the neck. The cops let him get away.  My partner's daughter's adult teeth never grew properly. The bin men wouldn't take my rubbish.  Lincoln's fluorocrats made me an unperson.  Life was impossible.  I sold up and went.

Are you a bit of a mug when it comes to fluoridation?  Take this simple test to find out if you think like a human being or a woolly-brained fluorocratic bumblebum.                        Look at the photo.                         Do you see an area?  Can you spot a man?  And I expect you noticed some water.                        Area.                Man.                 Water.               Now think very very carefully.                     Which one of these three has teeth?                    Are they yours?                Are they public?                      If you easily answered MAN NO NO you are a perfectly normal person.             Your common sense is its own reward - you won't get a job fluoridating people or any money reward with those answers.                          But maybe you feel uneasy right now instead.                   Perhaps the truth is that you avoided a direct answer?                    Sadly, these are the classic symptoms of woolly-minded fluorocratic bumblebumdom.                  As a sufferer you are a dangerously smug apparatchik, over-obedient and addicted to damaging behaviour.             With your arrogant thoughtlessness you are potentially capable of a profitable chemical attack on babies in the womb for the greater good of the superphosphate industry.                     My unpaid job is to make you look again and again until you get the answers right.                Until then I will relentlessly take the piss out of your organisation and you personally in any medium I choose.                   Probably you only fell into this latter-day Lysenkoism out of a misguided sense of professional duty.                 You feel you can hide your intellectual laziness behind your company logo.             You do not see yourself as part of a program for chemically altering populations in areas with water supplies.                   Cults can be dangerous.                  Fortunately there is a cure.                 Woolly-minded fluorocratic bumblebums can use this simple cult de-programming technique.               Whenever you see the phrase "fluoridated water" repeat "Water does not have any teeth" ten times.               If you hear something about a "fluoridated area" say "Areas do not have any teeth" ten times.                    Try it now, out loud.                                                                                            Go on.                      Tell the others at the secret meeting.               Of course, that takes courage.               And the will to oppose lazy groupthink.               You weren't hired for that.


Due to skyrocketing energy bills nobody has yet been able to afford to acquire the highly searchable domain www.solarpanel.si .

What's more...

Millions of people hunting for your solar panels on the internet won't find them here.

Learn more

Slovenia has a solar industry but its politicians prefer the millions sloshing about in the race to burn what's left of its mucky coal.

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Slovenia's waiting for 522 million potential customers in sunny countries to learn Slovenian and then pay ripoff prices to shop here.

Recite da

They're all at it...whatever it is.

Decimos si

Insolventenia's crap advertising and inability to project itself or empathise with the customer arose from naive pride in its tiny, monotonous Leninist marketplace, from the secret sex lives of the Slovenes, and from the poorly-travelled citizenry's timid acceptance of various shoddy gods.  Finally Slovenia's had some good luck, then - as 522 million people might say Si! to just about anything.

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Get down to the festival! It's one-poem-per-smell season at Days of Poetry and Ptuj's Chicken Factory Smell.  Your host is The National Poet Of Slovenia In A Language People Understand.

Access his latest poems here

OTHER NEWS: Scots family ready to reclaim its Slovenian castle.

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Low birth rate?  Why not ask your Councillor to help?  Lincoln's city fathers made a bold decision to fluoridate all the  residents' pineal glands.  Now its congratulations time for Lincoln's teenage mums!

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Learn handy phrases in Slovene.

Don't speak, then

Spank the tank! We celebrate 50 years since a  nuclear bomb fell in Lincolnshire.

I can't see now

Death in Slovenia - dressing to kill for a grim day at the graveyard.

The antidote to Halloween

International writers'  initiative from European Capital of Chicken.

Contribute your own

Slovenia's A-Z.  Find the answers to your questions about the outside world.  INSTANT FREE ANONYMOUS LIVE 1-to-1 chat in UK English.  No need to leave your hiding place - Guaranteed!

Brezplačno chat

Language shapes our thought.  The Slovenian clitoris is definitely male, but never thinks about sex - while the gender of Slovenian orgasms remains unclear, say professors.

Qualify in this

DISASTER APPEAL:  CATHOLIC BANKING CRISIS IN SLOVENIA!!!    URGENT!!!   WHILE GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES OF ALL OF SLOVENIA'S BANKS WERE BUSY COUNTING WITH THEIR BACKS TURNED, ALL OUR BANKS HAVE RUN OUT OF MONEY!  Are you maybe a racial stereotype and the type of rich foreign devil who we don't want interfering in our private national finances? PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.

No money?  Try this...


Do I feel more positive about burritos than some soccer club?  Yes. The Burrito Junkie is currently active in the field of burrito research.


Brand value, it seems, is a gamble.  

That's how the UK's Football Association lost 23.5 million euros in sponsorship for the England team, from Nationwide, Britain's biggest mortgage lender. The FA was gambling on the higher premium it would get after England's triumph in South Africa. 

They lost. Nationwide abandoned its patriotic marketing strategy and walked away.  So the question is, what kind of soccer thing will they spend the money on instead, and what will it be worth?  

The liverpool.si domain is effectively rendered worthless by the 345m euro acquisition of the world-famous club by NESV, which was 20% lower than even the expected value of the tangible assets.  

The sellers' hope of 940m would have made the brand worth more than everything else.  Only 14% of the current squad even come from Spanish-speaking countries - it was all a load of running around for nothing anyway.  The burrito is of greater intrinsic worth. 


Rather than dwell amid psychos chemically altered before birth by masonic mayors I went to live by a big smelly Slovenian chicken factory.  

For a small-town mentality you need only two things: a small town, and a mentality.  Throughout a century of royalist, nazi, communist and uncle-ist administrations the stench of drying blood and boiling guts has pumped out over the charming, historic little town it owns.  

As the traditional, family-oriented home of "post"-communist corporate embezzlement and political graft, you can do whatever you want in Slovenia.  Jesus is personally available to forgive your sins in every village, in return for a non-repayable bank loan and total mind control.  You might ask, what was ever invented in Slovenia?  The answer is - everything!  The only humans to reproduce asexually, Slovenians are unique, but take a dim view of flirting, which they assume  is the prelude to a brutal assault.  Some confuse humour with hate.

Sick of foreigners running the place, since 1991 Slovenia has been sorting everything out by itself, occasionally visiting abroad to fetch more money.  Recently the very friendly natives have been protesting over how disappointed they are about themselves

But ultimately Slovenia is female and can't confront anything.  As with the wider politic, to oppose the stinky air of Chickentown, it would need official permission...from the same people it would be protesting about.  

One guy did campaign once about the stinks - but had his tyres slashed.  Finally someone arrived without chicken genes, car, or relatives in town.

With no choice but to be proud of their foreigner-proof language, Slovenians love to boast how their different regions can barely even understand each other.  Reminded of the versatility of English - and all the accompanying concepts from which they are barred - some descend into a resentful melancholy at their linguistic misfortune

NPOSIALPU is using funnies to try to clean the air up.  In retaliation, easily manipulated nose-deaf drunken smokers have been ordered to focus monotonously upon the outsider's Achilles heel, so it's speak Slovene or get your face smashed in.  Just one English-speaker is enough to support an ideology of foreign invasion.  Can you be battered into learning a language? Ptuj thinks so.  Would they find another reason if I did?  I think so.

Both pong and lingo are each in their own way unspeakable.

No tourism please, we're drinking